Poem...

I have some down time now..so I found a poem that I wrote a few months ago that kind of sums me up right now, in how I feel and what is going on within my self!

Lost

Translations lot in words
Words of thoughts unspoken
unknown reasons of thinking

Persuasion of the mind
Links of unhearing contemplation
Surprised unknowing naivity

Facing things you fear
Learning about faith
sinking into oblivion

All these things enter the mind of one
who is truely
LOST

I hope that you enjoyed my little poem..and my attempt to be philosophical,
for those of you who read my poetry blog, I apologize for not keeping up with it...I will post another poem...RIIIGHT NOW!!

Limbo Again...

Alright, so I have been lacking on the writing here..but life has been just a tad crazy here, as things in Camphill have really heated up and are just now starting to cool down What with Aspen house having to totally split up, and me being the first one to go, I must admit my life took quite a tramatic and dramatic turn ...but let me catch you up on the happenings of my life here...

• In February, I went home for a week, which was lovely.

• I was also part of the Good Friday play here (which was awesome), during this play I sprained my knee...but now they arent sure it was a sprain because I am still in some pain.

• I visited Beaver Run, and absolutely loved it. I have been accepted into 2nd year seminar and will continue there with the curative education course. I think it will be a great change.

• Aspen house has totally been emptied out, but I moved first so actually didnt get to help with the packing and moving, which on a soul level really bothered me. Everytime someone who wasnt emotionally attached to that house told me they were going to help pack i couldnt help but cry. I am still not over it, as the final moves happened just this week.

• I was placed back in a care house as an extra help, and it just so happened that at this time our oldest villager ( who is 94) broke his hip...meaning I came accidentally at the right time.
  

• I heard back from the Salesian sisters but their come and see weekends arent good for my camphill schedule...I am trying to find another time.
  

But now I am still in Camphill Limbo as i like to call it, not really feeling connected to the village anymore (wierd, after 2 years of pouring my heart and soul into it I am not feeling connected). I dont know why this is...I guess I am looking for more in my life.

Illness

I am apologizing now for this upcoming week and last week. I have an illness that gets the better of me, so I haven't really been online much, nor will i probably be able to write this coming week.
I will however, post the link for my article in "the Catholic Review", when it is online!

Thanks for understanding.
Crys

The way its gotta be..

I guess my procrastination has paid off!
I haven't heard back from the Salesians, So I am assuming that they find me not serious in my search for my destiny. But, Its their lose.
I also haven't heard back from the lifechoices director, so I suppose I may have came off as rude or not serious to her as well. I dont mean to come off this way to anyone...It just happens and I can't erase it.
I haven't heard from the Daughters of St. Paul since before Christmas...I am even wondering if they remember I exist!
Thoughts yeah i know, they run away with my mind!

I have however confirmed the dates with Beaver Run. So I will be visiting the Camphill Special school in April...though I haven't recieved a phone call from them, so I am getting a bit anxious.

The one thing I have learned..and am still learning in this process is Patience..cause lord knows, I never recieve instant gratification!!!!

Back to Discernment!

Alright, aside from my rather recent hiatus of discernment, or rather my persistant procrastination. I would like to inform you that I am back on the discernment track, well I never left it, I only got sidetracked!

I have begun to read "The Passion Test", which was a suggestion given to me by the director of the LifeChoices program of "the Adorers." I am not sure as to whether the book will bring any clear insight into anything in my life right now, but we shall see how the course of things turns out.
I had already arranged a come and see weekend with the Salesians, but as my luck would have it, it doesnt work out with my house, which is a bummer because I was really looking forward to it, but if God will's be to get there, I shall get there in due time, however i am afraid (as I often am) that Sr. Colleen is beginning to think that I am not serious about my discernment, which I could see how. I mean I arrange this weekend and then cancel, it could be as if I really don't want to come, or that for the lack of a better phrase "I'm bullshitting." Which simply isn't true.
As I have had to make a decision: I have applied at the Camphill Special School in PA, which is where my heart is drawing me, as I love children and one of my passions (not derived from the passion test) is working with people who have developmental disabilities, and I have to visit the school before I am fully accepted as I may find out, which I highly doubt, that I don't reallylike it there, in which case I will have to find a new path. The other choice was the Salesian weekend. I felt as though I was being pulled in 2 directions. As, I am going to friends wedding in february and am already gone for a week! At least at this time I plan to be gone for a week. So that means I really can't go anywhere for a month or so... and my houseparents leave in april, so I have to be here after they leave. My visit with the school is april 16th-19th. So that leaves march but, as i am away in both april and february for extended amounts of time, I am unable to do anything in march. So I believe I may have to wait til June to visit the Salesians!

This is where I am, nothing too invigorating or exciting I know!

Even the sun gets clouded vision

Alright, I know I am an uber procrastinator but I had this dream last night. Let me give you a little background on the scenario. I was talking to this guy last year, who is in this band whom I am a loyal fan of. And things were going swimmingly but he was shy and so was I so nothing actually happened between us..but here is the kicker. I go on vacation and come back and he has a girlfriend (or something like it) and that doesn't bother me because we weren't dating...what bothers me is the fact that now that he is with her he ignores all of the fans (especially me) and it gets annoying after a while!
Yesterday was my Birthday and a group of us coworkers drove an hour to go see the band. Now, the band knows me and we have become friends. And all of the band members while on stage Said "Happy Birthday, Crystal" except him lets call him J.

Now leading into the dream. I am a rather firm believer in the superstitious oldwives tale that the dream you have on the night of your birthday predicts how your year will be or events that may happen, so without much further ado my dream:

The dream was clearer than any dream I have had in a while.
A group of coworkers from camphill and I go to the coffee shop where J works and when I get to the register I must have a look of annoyance on my face because J looks into my eyes (he has a wierd way of reading my thoughts through my eyes) and apologizes for ignoring me and being petty. Then we start to talk again like before, only this time we seem to get closer to eachother!
Then it jumps to a couple weeks later and we are at one of his bands concerts and I am outside talking to one of the other band leaders. J comes over to me with his girlfriend and introduces us (i think she knows that he used to like me).
Then out of the blue R (his girlfriend) becomes a nun or rather turns into one. And she grabs me and tells me I must enter the convent because of my impure thoughts.
I am in total shock at this statement, as I wasnt having any "impure" thoughts at that time...I was just Happy (I dont know what it is with this band but their concerts come at the most convient times in my life, when my soul needs therapy). So now, I am stuck between the nun and J ,Then J grabs my arm and whispers do you trust me? I say yes with a little hesitation, then out of the blue He kisses me!
The nun then grabs me back towards her and says i must go with her to the convent to confession.

Then the nun disappears and R reaappears. And in a moment of total wierdness within the dream She gives me a hug and we are friends (which i can almost gaurantee wont happen).Then J gets up the courage (which i think he lacks) to tell R that he has feelings for me and always has and that his relationship with her was just a test of sorts to sort out his real feelings for me...Then J kisses me again..
Then there is the nun again and she tells me that I have to make a decision right then on the spot to either
go with her to the convent and let R be with J
or be known as the chick who tore apart the relationship of J and R...and be with J and be Eternally happy

At this point I woke up crying...I guess my mind was working overtime. I actually dont care what you may think, whether this was just a rambling of my imagination or a story i made up because i want this fantasy to come true..BUT it is honestly the dream I had last night. And I , being an overly analytical person...have tried to analyze this dream to peices and have been unsuccessful at it

Maybe you can help??

Limbo

Someone on myspace wrote to me when I asked the question how do you know you are called to religious life:
"I've had people tell me "it'll be perfectly clear to you" when I was discussing my discernment. Problem is that that is not always the case, especially when you're not the community to start with. I have found that the best way to discern is to actually visit and spend time with different communities. Sometimes we can get these really romantic views of things in our head only to get there and realize that it's nowhere near what we wanted. So my advice: visit communities; if you feel something drawing you, investigate it. And of course: PRAY."

My reply was:

You see I have visited communities. And I know about the romantic view and the thing is when visiting the communtities they seem just like that..a romantic view of what religious life should be, sometimes I wonder if the sisters are just putting on a show for the discerners that weekend!! I dunno! I pray but I just keep going back and forth. It gets annoying not just for me but for everybody else cause one time i will say that i am becoming a sister and then 8 months down the line I am talking about this guy I am dating or interested in, I suppose though its their romantical views coming into play as well! They believe that one who may become a sister has to be a virgin and isnt interested in male companionship!

I have come to another empasse.

SOMONE HELP ME PLEASE

and I also apologize for not writing about christmas and the holy nights..havent had much time but this evening I should have plenty of time, since I am off! So I will most likely write this evening then.